Check Your Premises

Adventures With EDD – WHEEEEE!!!!!!!

nobody@vox.com(Kimmers) — Wed, 23 Dec 2009 10:04:41 -0800

As you may know, I was laid off last May and have been collecting unemployment insurance. Due to an error on my continuing claim form, my benefits were stopped. The form said to call their 800 number. Haha – good luck with that! You get a message that says, “Thank you for calling the EDD. We are unable to handle the calls we are receiving. Please try your call again later. Goodbye.” If by some miracle you get through the phone tree to the point where you’re being transferred to a rep, then at that point you hear, “due to the number of callers already waiting, we can’t take your call at this time. Please try again later.” This goes on no matter what time of day or day of week you call. This became my new (unpaid) full-time job. Facing the prospect of defaulting on our bills, I was near panic with worry. There are no physical locations to go to and just wait in line. I called the Governor’s office – they said they can’t get through either. I called Congressman Duncan Hunter’s office, and they said I needed to call our State Assemblyperson. Would you believe they have a full-time staffer who does nothing other than helping people get through to EDD? They took my info and said it might be a week before they respond.

Meanwhile, Rich and I were figuring out which bills we would have to default on. We decided that if we got to the point where collection agents are calling, that I would answer all calls like this: “Thank you for calling the Robson residence. We are currently receiving more bills than we can handle. Please try billing us again later. Goodbye.”

Finally I got a call from EDD and everything seems to have been straightened out. I’ve already received one check for the time period in question, and the rest should be on the way. Then we’ll be current again. What a disaster! Obama wants to create jobs, right? Well, I know where they need WAAAAAY more telephone staffers in Sacramento!

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Four Friends

nobody@vox.com(Kimmers) — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 11:04:45 -0800

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party.

After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room. Those who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, 'My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.'

The second guy said, 'Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.'

The third man said: 'Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion.'

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: 'What are all the congratulations for?'

One of the three said: 'We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. ....What about your son?'

The fourth man replied: 'My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.'

The three friends said: 'What a shame... what a disappointment.'

The fourth man replied: 'No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends.’

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Tampons

nobody@vox.com(Kimmers) — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 10:51:47 -0700

Two young boys walked into the pharmacist's shop and picked out a box of tampons. They brought the box up to the counter to pay, and the pharmacist asked, "Do you boys know what these are for?"

"No," said the older one, "but they're not for me, they're for him," pointing at the younger boy. "He's my brother. He's four. The ad on TV said if you use these, you'll be able to swim, ride a bike, and play tennis. He can't do none of those things yet."

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Flour Face

nobody@vox.com(Kimmers) — Tue, 22 Sep 2009 12:58:08 -0700

A little Mexican boy was sitting in the kitchen watching his mother make tortillas. He got some flour in his hands, and smeared it all over his face. "Look, Mama, I'm a little white boy!" She reached over and slapped him across the face. "Go and show your father what you did," she told him.

The little boy goes into the living room and finds his father watching a futbol game. "Look, Papa, I'm a little white boy!" His father slaps him across the face and says, "Go and show your Grandmother what you did."

More than a little stunned by now, he obeys his father and finds his grandmother sewing in her room. "Look, Gamma, I'm a little white boy." She, too, slaps him across the face. "Go and show your mother what you did."

The little boy returns to the kitchen and quietly sits back down at the table. His mother asks, "Well, what did you learn?"

"I've only been white for 5 minutes and I already hate you Mexicans!"

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It's Like the Goddesses Are Leaning Over To Flash A Little Cleavage

nobody@vox.com(Kimmers) — Thu, 10 Sep 2009 10:26:09 -0700

Last week we had a huge fabulous thunderhead parked over us, a remnant from Tropical Storm Jimena. It's dark underside was pocked with rare with mammatus clouds (so named because they look like breasts):

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10 Tricks For Staying Comfortable In Ungodly Heat Without Access To Air Conditioning

nobody@vox.com(Kimmers) — Thu, 23 Jul 2009 17:57:24 -0700

1) The Wet T-Shirt

Get out an old t-shirt. Wet thoroughly with cold water in the sink. Wring out the excess. Put t-shirt on. You'll feel immediately cooler for as long as the shirt is damp. Repeat as necessary. Added benefit if you place your wet t-shirt in the freezer for a few minutes before putting it on. Ditto if you wet it in ice-water (leftover cooler ice is perfect for this use). The effect is heightened if you stand or sit in front of a fan or a breeze, but your shirt will dry faster.

(Following is for the ladies): I understand this can only be done properly in the privacy of your home. If you have a significant other, they will be the delighted and sole judge of their own personal, one-woman wet-t-shirt contest every afternoon. But, if it's an emergency, select a t-shirt for wetting that has a heavier, thicker weave, and wear a bra. Not only will the heavier weave hold the moisture longer, it'll provide (along with the bra) enough coverage that people won't even perceive it.

Variation: If you need to sleep but it's too ungodly hot, try this. I'm assuming you're already laying nekkid on top of the sheets, and you're still sweating. Get your t-shirt and wet and wring it as usual. Hold it flat by the shoulders, and as you lay down, drape it over your torso. If you have to turn, adjust as necessary so the damp shirt is still draped over your torso.

2) The Ice-Cube Necklace

Reserve this for when even the wet t-shirt isn't enough. Get a bandana or a cloth napkin and wet it in the sink. Wring out the excess, and lay it out on the counter. Line several ice cubes diagonally along the center. Fold over and roll up with the ice cubes inside. Tie the ends around your neck. Adjust the knot so that the ice cubes are sitting just off your neck, on your collarbone - it shouldn't be too tight. The ice cools the blood running through your carotid arteries, and as it melts, helps keep your wet t-shirt wet with cool water. Even when the ice is gone, just the moist bandana around your neck will provide much cooling effect.

3) Cold Showers

Administered as necessary, and they only have to be long enough to just rinse off the damn sweat and cool your skin. Go ahead and whoop if you have to when you first step in. It's okay. You'll feel so refreshed and ready to face the thought of clothing again. If you can't do this, at least rinse your face and arms in cold water.

4) Go Barefoot

Even flip-flops can feel stifling when it's ridiculously hot. Whenever possible, go completely barefoot. It makes a difference. (And by the way, it's a common misconception that it's illegal to drive with your shoes off. Poppycock. Ask any cop.)

5) Wear a Hat And Sunglasses

Anytime you're going to be in the direct sun, wear a wide-brimmed hat and polarized sunglasses and think of them as though they were armor. Wear them even if you're only taking some garbage out to the can or fetching something from your car. Because swear to god if you don't, your friendly neighbor will drive by at that moment and you'll be obliged by politeness to stand there for what feels like hours chatting while you're being braised to a crispy red fricassee by the merciless sun. When it's ungodly hot, the addition of direct sunlight becomes like a palpable force, a physical thing beating you about the head and shoulders. I live at a mild altitude, 4525 feet. For every 1,000 feet of altitude above sea level, the sun's damaging UV rays are increased by 10%. That much less atmosphere to filter and protect. So the sun where I live is 45% stronger than at sea level. Arm yourself like you're a military operation and dart from shady spot to shady spot as though a sniper has you in his sights.

6) Don't Do Anything

We all live in a society where it's considered a sin to loll about like a slug. Again with the poppycock. You know how you've been feeling sleepy, lethargic, slow, unmotivated and irritable? That's nature's way of telling you to fix a mojito and put your feet up with a trashy novel. Anything more requires far too much energy.

7) Don't Eat Anything

Okay, of course we have to keep eating. I don't know about you, but my appetite tends to disappear when it's really hot. It takes too much energy to prepare, eat and digest food. Even when I do feel a glimmer of hunger, all I can even consider consuming is ice cream (or sorbet), cold cuts, pickles and olives, salads, sliced cheese, cold cereal, all kinds of fruit, PBJ's, and or course alcohol. Now, the "experts" will tell you that alcohol is dehydrating and should be avoided when it's hot. Again, see above re: poppycock. That's what this marvelous invention, ice cubes, are for, in addition to supplying your ice-cube necklace. Besides, when it's so hot you'll literally have to punch the next person who asks you "if it's hot enough for ya?", it's a good societial lubricant to have just a little buzz on.

PS- I highly recommend this product by Fusion Brands called the Ice Orb. It's a vertical ice cube tray! The center holds ice cubes in storage, or can be used for cold transport or to chill wine. I'm so impressed with this brilliant design.

8) For the Ladies

Wear as little makeup as possible. It'll just melt anyway. And prevent you from splashing your face in some cold water when needed (see no.3 above). When it's ungodly hot, modesty tends to be the first virtue to suffer (naked, shmaked, besides if they haven't seen a naked woman by now, it's about damn time they did -- as my darling mother loves to say). This also applies to makeup. A little waterproof mascara and some lipstick is all we really need, if that. Your co-workers will get over their shock.

9) For the Pets

Take a few empty 2-liter soda bottles and fill them 3/4 to the top with water, and freeze in your freezer. Before leaving in the morning, take your frozen water bottles out of the freezer. Place standing upright in a shallow bowl or saucer in cool areas, like the bathroom. As the ice slowly melts, condensation will form on the outside and collect in the saucer. Your pets will lick the cold droplets off the bottle and lap the cold water in the saucer. They will also just loll around the bottles to feel the cool emanating off of them.

10) Bonus Recipe - Summer Succotash

This is good to prep in the morning when it's cool and keep covered in the fridge for a few days. It's light yet filling, and you can pull it out and eat as much (or little) as you want.

1 can corn niblets
1 can lima beans (peas work well too)
1 cup (or so) plain yogurt or sour cream
1 TB fresh or dried dill
1 TB lemon juice

Rinse the corn and lima beans and drain well. Combine in a mixing bowl with other ingredients and chill.

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I Got The Job!!!

nobody@vox.com(Kimmers) — Thu, 16 Jul 2009 12:57:34 -0700

Well, I just found out this morning that I got the bookkeeping position with the North Peak Mutual Water Company! It's our local water well system here in Cuyamaca Woods. There are 90 shareholders with meters, but only 24 of them are actually drawing water from the system. Some people have their own private wells, but they're terribly expensive to put in (around $25,000), so many residents are completely dependent on the water system functioning. It only amounts to about two 8-hour days a month, and pays $500 a month, so I'll still be drawing partial unemployment. The best part is, it's a locally mountain-based company, and I'll get to work from home, on my own schedule.

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10 Ways To Enjoy Doing Nothing

nobody@vox.com(Kimmers) — Tue, 14 Jul 2009 18:34:26 -0700

(Printed in Real Simple magazine, Aug 2009)

British author Tom Hodgkinson has written the book How To Be Idle, and is the editor of The Idler biannual magazine.

    One morning, nearly 20 years ago, I was lying in bed. It was late. I was supposed to be working, but I seemed glued to the mattress. I hated myself for my laziness. And then, by chance, I picked up a collection of writings by Dr. Samuel Johnson, the 18th-century wit and the compiler of the first comprehensive English dictionary. In the book were excerpts from a weekly column he had written called The Idler, in which the great man celebrated idleness as an aspiration, writing in 1758, "Every man is, or hopes to be, an Idler."
    This was an epiphany for me. Idleness, it seemed, was not bad. It was noble. It was excessive busyness that caused all the problems!
    So I got out of bed and started a magazine called The Idler, in order to remind people of the forgotten, simple pleasures of doing nothing. I even wrote books about it. And yes, you could say that idleness became my life's work. So, based on all those years of tough-going research, here are my top tips for people who find it difficult to just be.

1. Banish the guilt.
We are all told that we should be terribly busy, so we can't laze around without that nagging feeling that we need to be getting stuff done. I rejected my guilt upon learning that Europeans in the Middle Ages felt no shame for lolling about. Their favorite philosopher, Aristotle, had praised the contemplative life, and the monks spent a lot of time just praying and chanting. Guilt for doing nothing is artificially imposed on us by a Calvinistic and Puritanical culture that wants us to work hard. When you understand that it hasn't always been this way, it becomes easier to shake it off.

2. Choose the right role models.
Most of the great musicians and poets were idlers. So feed yourself a diet of John Lennon, Oscar Wilde, Walt Whitman, and the like. Carrying a slim volume of verse in your purse or pocket can be theraputic -- something from Keats, who wrote of "evenings steep'd in honied indolence," or Wordsworth, or course. (What could be more idle than wandering lonely as a cloud?) It's delightful to read a few lines while you're on a bus or train, then stare out the window and ponder their meaning.

3. Sketch a flower.
If you are new to idling and feel compelled to be purposefully occupied, sketching a flower at the kitchen table can be an excellent way to bring some divine contemplation into your life. The act of drawing makes you observe the bloom in a way you never have before. All anxieties fly away as you lose yourself in close study. And at the end of it you have a pretty little sketch.

4. Go bumbling.
Bumbling is a nice word that means "wandering around without purpose." It was indulged in by the poets of 19th-century Paris. They called themselves flaneurs and were said to have taken tortoises around on leads, which gives you an idea of the tempo of their rambles. Children are good bumblers. Try making a deliberate effort to slow down your walking pace. You'll find yourself coming alive, and you'll enjoy simply soaking in the day.

5. Play the ukulele.
The ukulele is the sound of not working. My wife hates it for that very reason: The twang of those strings means that I am not doing something useful around the house. I keep my ukulele in the kitchen and play it at odd moments, like while I'm waiting for the kettle to boil.

6. Bring back Sundays.
Many religions still observe a Sabbath, whether it's Friday, Saturday or Sunday. And for a long time secular society embraced Sundays as a day of rest, too. But now Sundays are as busy and stress-filled as any other day. Having a day of rest was a very practical idea: We were excused from all labor and devoted ourselves to pleasure and family. Take that ancient wisdom to heart and declare at least one day of the week as a do-nothing day. Don't clean the house or do the laundry; don't get in the car. Stay home and eat chocolate and drink wine. Be kind to yourself.

7. Lie in a field.
Doing nothing is profoundly healing -- to yourself and to the planet. It is precicely our restless activity that has caused the environmental crisis. So do some good by taking a break from "doing" and go and lie on your back in a field. Listen to the birds and smell the grass.

8. Gaze at the clouds.
Don't have a field nearby? Doing nothing can easily be dignified by calling it "cloud spotting." It gives a purpose to your dawdling. Go outside and look up at the ever-changing skies and spot the cirrus and the cumulonimbus.

9. Take a nap.
To indulge in a siesta after lunch is the most wonderful luxury: It softens tempers and guards against grumpiness. Yet our culture has decided that naps are for wimps. A nap is acceptable only if it is called a "power nap" -- a short doze that is supposed to return you to the office with more energy to kick some ass. But you should nap, not for the profit of a corporation but for your own health. Research has shown that a daily snooze can reduce the risk of heart attack. And just knowing you're going to sleep after lunch seems to make the morning less stressful. If curling up in your office isn't an option, go somewhere quiet, like your car or a church or park bench, and close your eyes for even just five minutes.

10. Pretend to meditate.
For us westerners, meditation is an accepted way of doing nothing. Tell everyone you're going to meditate, then go into your bedroom, shut the door, and stare out the window or read or lie down for half an hour. You have excused yourself from household tasks and can indulge in contemplation, reflection, and that underrated pleasure, thinking, without fear of disapproval.

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Critters Galore!

nobody@vox.com(Kimmers) — Tue, 26 May 2009 11:21:26 -0700

I've had several wildlife sightings in the past few days. First, there was a beautiful fox on Engineers Road. He came out one side, casually loped up the road for a few seconds, then disappeared down the opposite embankment. He had gorgeous grey / tan / red fur.

Fox

Next day I saw a baby bobcat, very near the same spot on Engineers where I saw the fox. He was tawny-colored, stocky torso and legs. I only got to see him from maybe 100 feet away for a couple seconds before he disappeared.

Bobcat

Next morning, Rich & I are in the bedroom when we hear a loud turkey gobble from what sounds like the living room. We go there and see a huge tom, with all his feathers puffed and arrayed, on the steps about 5 feet away from the living room windows. Of couse he started moving away as soon as we entered the room.

TurkeyWildTom

Later that day, Seamus was snoozing on the couch when we both noticed an adult ground squirrel making his way up the steps like he owned the place. Seamus ran to the window and watched this abomination for a moment, then went to the door where I let him out. Silently, he slipped up to the porch railing, then to the level above where the squirrel had gone, and then the chase was on! They made several circles around a clump of bushes at breakneck speed, which was hilarious. Then the squirrel broke for it and ran back down the steps with Seamus right behind. Fortunately for the squirrel, Seamus was no match for him in speed on a straightaway, and he gave up about halfway down.

California_Ground_Squirrel

That evening, before Rich got home, I noticed a tarantula on the ceiling of the hallway right behind where I was sitting. It was about 3 inches across. We tend to get the little (har) ones in the house, but we've seen some in our neighborhood that are 5 to 6 inches across. (Once we found a big one crossing Engineers Road - I'd almost run over it - and we stopped to usher it the rest of the way across before someone did squash him. Rich got a twig and approached it, but the dude literally hunkered down, dug his little heels into the ground, and was having none of this noise. I almost expected to see it grab the twig from Rich and beat him with it!) Anyway, it's normally Rich's job to catch stray critters in the house, but he wasn't home, so I was forced to catch it myself. We have a large round tupperware that's perfect for this. I was so wigged out by the time I got it outside, I just tossed the tupperware and it's cover outside, figuring the tarantula would just crawl out. I waited 10 minutes or so, when out to collect the tupperware, and found the bug still crouched inside! When Rich arrived, I started to tell him about the tupperware outside, and went to the screen door and saw another, even larger tarantula clinging to the screen about halfway up on the outside! I'm flipping out by now. Rich didn't have the heart to tell me (until the next morning) about the third tarantula he saw on the exterior wall of the house! They're most likely out running around trying to find some action.

Tarantula

Lastly, here at Altamira we have our own Catch & Release Program! Seamus catches lizards, brings them into the house, then promptly proceeds to lose them. Sometimes, Rich or I are able to catch them and release them outside. (Here's a good trick - if you drop a damp paper towel over a lizard, it won't move and you can pick it up.) Sometimes they find their own way out under the screen door. There've been more lizards this year than ever - and they're big and fat, too. I just had to catch one and let it out right now while I was typing!

Lizards

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African Queen Irises (Second Year)

nobody@vox.com(Kimmers) — Sat, 23 May 2009 10:52:58 -0700

As promised, here are the African Queen Irises. They bloomed this past week:

Imag0659

Imag0670

Seamus is sitting sphinx-like in the background:

Imag0676

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