Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party.
After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room. Those who remained talked about their kids.
The first guy said, 'My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.'
The second guy said, 'Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.'
The third man said: 'Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion.'
The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: 'What are all the congratulations for?'
One of the three said: 'We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. ....What about your son?'
The fourth man replied: 'My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.'
The three friends said: 'What a shame... what a disappointment.'
The fourth man replied: 'No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends.’
Two young boys walked into the pharmacist's shop and picked out a box of tampons. They brought the box up to the counter to pay, and the pharmacist asked, "Do you boys know what these are for?"
"No," said the older one, "but they're not for me, they're for him," pointing at the younger boy. "He's my brother. He's four. The ad on TV said if you use these, you'll be able to swim, ride a bike, and play tennis. He can't do none of those things yet."
A little Mexican boy was sitting in the kitchen watching his mother make tortillas. He got some flour in his hands, and smeared it all over his face. "Look, Mama, I'm a little white boy!" She reached over and slapped him across the face. "Go and show your father what you did," she told him.
The little boy goes into the living room and finds his father watching a futbol game. "Look, Papa, I'm a little white boy!" His father slaps him across the face and says, "Go and show your Grandmother what you did."
More than a little stunned by now, he obeys his father and finds his grandmother sewing in her room. "Look, Gamma, I'm a little white boy." She, too, slaps him across the face. "Go and show your mother what you did."
The little boy returns to the kitchen and quietly sits back down at the table. His mother asks, "Well, what did you learn?"
"I've only been white for 5 minutes and I already hate you Mexicans!"
Last week we had a huge fabulous thunderhead parked over us, a remnant from Tropical Storm Jimena. It's dark underside was pocked with rare with mammatus clouds (so named because they look like breasts):
1) The Wet T-Shirt
Get out an old t-shirt. Wet thoroughly with cold water in the sink. Wring out the excess. Put t-shirt on. You'll feel immediately cooler for as long as the shirt is damp. Repeat as necessary. Added benefit if you place your wet t-shirt in the freezer for a few minutes before putting it on. Ditto if you wet it in ice-water (leftover cooler ice is perfect for this use). The effect is heightened if you stand or sit in front of a fan or a breeze, but your shirt will dry faster.
(Following is for the ladies): I understand this can only be done properly in the privacy of your home. If you have a significant other, they will be the delighted and sole judge of their own personal, one-woman wet-t-shirt contest every afternoon. But, if it's an emergency, select a t-shirt for wetting that has a heavier, thicker weave, and wear a bra. Not only will the heavier weave hold the moisture longer, it'll provide (along with the bra) enough coverage that people won't even perceive it.
Variation: If you need to sleep but it's too ungodly hot, try this. I'm assuming you're already laying nekkid on top of the sheets, and you're still sweating. Get your t-shirt and wet and wring it as usual. Hold it flat by the shoulders, and as you lay down, drape it over your torso. If you have to turn, adjust as necessary so the damp shirt is still draped over your torso.
2) The Ice-Cube Necklace
Reserve this for when even the wet t-shirt isn't enough. Get a bandana or a cloth napkin and wet it in the sink. Wring out the excess, and lay it out on the counter. Line several ice cubes diagonally along the center. Fold over and roll up with the ice cubes inside. Tie the ends around your neck. Adjust the knot so that the ice cubes are sitting just off your neck, on your collarbone - it shouldn't be too tight. The ice cools the blood running through your carotid arteries, and as it melts, helps keep your wet t-shirt wet with cool water. Even when the ice is gone, just the moist bandana around your neck will provide much cooling effect.
3) Cold Showers
Administered as necessary, and they only have to be long enough to just rinse off the damn sweat and cool your skin. Go ahead and whoop if you have to when you first step in. It's okay. You'll feel so refreshed and ready to face the thought of clothing again. If you can't do this, at least rinse your face and arms in cold water.
4) Go Barefoot
Even flip-flops can feel stifling when it's ridiculously hot. Whenever possible, go completely barefoot. It makes a difference. (And by the way, it's a common misconception that it's illegal to drive with your shoes off. Poppycock. Ask any cop.)
5) Wear a Hat And Sunglasses
Anytime you're going to be in the direct sun, wear a wide-brimmed hat and polarized sunglasses and think of them as though they were armor. Wear them even if you're only taking some garbage out to the can or fetching something from your car. Because swear to god if you don't, your friendly neighbor will drive by at that moment and you'll be obliged by politeness to stand there for what feels like hours chatting while you're being braised to a crispy red fricassee by the merciless sun. When it's ungodly hot, the addition of direct sunlight becomes like a palpable force, a physical thing beating you about the head and shoulders. I live at a mild altitude, 4525 feet. For every 1,000 feet of altitude above sea level, the sun's damaging UV rays are increased by 10%. That much less atmosphere to filter and protect. So the sun where I live is 45% stronger than at sea level. Arm yourself like you're a military operation and dart from shady spot to shady spot as though a sniper has you in his sights.
6) Don't Do Anything
We all live in a society where it's considered a sin to loll about like a slug. Again with the poppycock. You know how you've been feeling sleepy, lethargic, slow, unmotivated and irritable? That's nature's way of telling you to fix a mojito and put your feet up with a trashy novel. Anything more requires far too much energy.
7) Don't Eat Anything
Okay, of course we have to keep eating. I don't know about you, but my appetite tends to disappear when it's really hot. It takes too much energy to prepare, eat and digest food. Even when I do feel a glimmer of hunger, all I can even consider consuming is ice cream (or sorbet), cold cuts, pickles and olives, salads, sliced cheese, cold cereal, all kinds of fruit, PBJ's, and or course alcohol. Now, the "experts" will tell you that alcohol is dehydrating and should be avoided when it's hot. Again, see above re: poppycock. That's what this marvelous invention, ice cubes, are for, in addition to supplying your ice-cube necklace. Besides, when it's so hot you'll literally have to punch the next person who asks you "if it's hot enough for ya?", it's a good societial lubricant to have just a little buzz on.
PS- I highly recommend this product by Fusion Brands called the Ice Orb. It's a vertical ice cube tray! The center holds ice cubes in storage, or can be used for cold transport or to chill wine. I'm so impressed with this brilliant design.
8) For the Ladies
Wear as little makeup as possible. It'll just melt anyway. And prevent you from splashing your face in some cold water when needed (see no.3 above). When it's ungodly hot, modesty tends to be the first virtue to suffer (naked, shmaked, besides if they haven't seen a naked woman by now, it's about damn time they did -- as my darling mother loves to say). This also applies to makeup. A little waterproof mascara and some lipstick is all we really need, if that. Your co-workers will get over their shock.
9) For the Pets
Take a few empty 2-liter soda bottles and fill them 3/4 to the top with water, and freeze in your freezer. Before leaving in the morning, take your frozen water bottles out of the freezer. Place standing upright in a shallow bowl or saucer in cool areas, like the bathroom. As the ice slowly melts, condensation will form on the outside and collect in the saucer. Your pets will lick the cold droplets off the bottle and lap the cold water in the saucer. They will also just loll around the bottles to feel the cool emanating off of them.
10) Bonus Recipe - Summer Succotash
This is good to prep in the morning when it's cool and keep covered in the fridge for a few days. It's light yet filling, and you can pull it out and eat as much (or little) as you want.
1 can corn niblets
1 can lima beans (peas work well too)
1 cup (or so) plain yogurt or sour cream
1 TB fresh or dried dill
1 TB lemon juice
Rinse the corn and lima beans and drain well. Combine in a mixing bowl with other ingredients and chill.
Well, I just found out this morning that I got the bookkeeping position with the North Peak Mutual Water Company!
It's our local water well system here in Cuyamaca Woods. There
are 90 shareholders with meters, but only 24 of them are actually
drawing water from the system. Some people have their own private
wells, but they're terribly expensive to put in (around $25,000), so
many residents are completely dependent on the water system
functioning. It only amounts to about two 8-hour days a month,
and pays $500 a month, so I'll still be drawing partial
unemployment. The best part is, it's a locally mountain-based
company, and I'll get to work from home, on my own schedule.
(Printed in Real Simple magazine, Aug 2009)
British author Tom Hodgkinson has written the book How To Be Idle, and is the editor of The Idler biannual magazine.
One morning, nearly 20 years ago, I was lying in
bed. It was late. I was supposed to be working, but I
seemed glued to the mattress. I hated myself for my
laziness. And then, by chance, I picked up a collection of
writings by Dr. Samuel Johnson, the 18th-century wit and the compiler
of the first comprehensive English dictionary. In the book were
excerpts from a weekly column he had written called The Idler, in which
the great man celebrated idleness as an aspiration, writing in 1758,
"Every man is, or hopes to be, an Idler."
This was an epiphany for me. Idleness, it
seemed, was not bad. It was noble. It was excessive
busyness that caused all the problems!
So I got out of bed and started a magazine called The Idler,
in order to remind people of the forgotten, simple pleasures of doing
nothing. I even wrote books about it. And yes, you could
say that idleness became my life's work. So, based on all those
years of tough-going research, here are my top tips for people who find
it difficult to just be.
1. Banish the guilt.
We are all told that we should be terribly busy, so we can't laze
around without that nagging feeling that we need to be getting stuff
done. I rejected my guilt upon learning that Europeans in the
Middle Ages felt no shame for lolling about. Their favorite
philosopher, Aristotle, had praised the contemplative life, and the
monks spent a lot of time just praying and chanting. Guilt for
doing nothing is artificially imposed on us by a Calvinistic and
Puritanical culture that wants us to work hard. When you
understand that it hasn't always been this way, it becomes easier to
shake it off.
2. Choose the right role models.
Most of the great musicians and poets were idlers. So feed
yourself a diet of John Lennon, Oscar Wilde, Walt Whitman, and the
like. Carrying a slim volume of verse in your purse or pocket can
be theraputic -- something from Keats, who wrote of "evenings steep'd
in honied indolence," or Wordsworth, or course. (What could be
more idle than wandering lonely as a cloud?) It's delightful to
read a few lines while you're on a bus or train, then stare out the
window and ponder their meaning.
3. Sketch a flower.
If you are new to idling and feel compelled to be purposefully
occupied, sketching a flower at the kitchen table can be an excellent
way to bring some divine contemplation into your life. The act of
drawing makes you observe the bloom in a way you never have
before. All anxieties fly away as you lose yourself in close
study. And at the end of it you have a pretty little sketch.
4. Go bumbling.
Bumbling is a nice word that means "wandering around without
purpose." It was indulged in by the poets of 19th-century
Paris. They called themselves flaneurs and were said to
have taken tortoises around on leads, which gives you an idea of the
tempo of their rambles. Children are good bumblers. Try
making a deliberate effort to slow down your walking pace. You'll
find yourself coming alive, and you'll enjoy simply soaking in the day.
5. Play the ukulele.
The ukulele is the sound of not working. My wife hates it for
that very reason: The twang of those strings means that I am not doing
something useful around the house. I keep my ukulele in the
kitchen and play it at odd moments, like while I'm waiting for the
kettle to boil.
6. Bring back Sundays.
Many religions still observe a Sabbath, whether it's Friday, Saturday
or Sunday. And for a long time secular society embraced Sundays
as a day of rest, too. But now Sundays are as busy and
stress-filled as any other day. Having a day of rest was a very
practical idea: We were excused from all labor and devoted ourselves to
pleasure and family. Take that ancient wisdom to heart and
declare at least one day of the week as a do-nothing day. Don't
clean the house or do the laundry; don't get in the car. Stay
home and eat chocolate and drink wine. Be kind to yourself.
7. Lie in a field.
Doing nothing is profoundly healing -- to yourself and to the
planet. It is precicely our restless activity that has caused the
environmental crisis. So do some good by taking a break from
"doing" and go and lie on your back in a field. Listen to the
birds and smell the grass.
8. Gaze at the clouds.
Don't have a field nearby? Doing nothing can easily be dignified
by calling it "cloud spotting." It gives a purpose to your
dawdling. Go outside and look up at the ever-changing skies and
spot the cirrus and the cumulonimbus.
9. Take a nap.
To indulge in a siesta after lunch is the most wonderful luxury: It
softens tempers and guards against grumpiness. Yet our culture
has decided that naps are for wimps. A nap is acceptable only if
it is called a "power nap" -- a short doze that is supposed to return
you to the office with more energy to kick some ass. But you
should nap, not for the profit of a corporation but for your
own health. Research has shown that a daily snooze can reduce the
risk of heart attack. And just knowing you're going to sleep
after lunch seems to make the morning less stressful. If curling
up in your office isn't an option, go somewhere quiet, like your car or
a church or park bench, and close your eyes for even just five minutes.
10. Pretend to meditate.
For us westerners, meditation is an accepted way of doing
nothing. Tell everyone you're going to meditate, then go into
your bedroom, shut the door, and stare out the window or read or lie
down for half an hour. You have excused yourself from household
tasks and can indulge in contemplation, reflection, and that underrated
pleasure, thinking, without fear of disapproval.
I've had several wildlife sightings in the past few days. First,
there was a beautiful fox on Engineers Road. He came out one
side, casually loped up the road for a few seconds, then disappeared
down the opposite embankment. He had gorgeous grey / tan / red
fur.
As promised, here are the African Queen Irises. They bloomed this past week:
After
I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to
Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and
preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like
most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the
following letter from the local Target.
__________________________________________
Dear Mrs. Samsel,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Samsel, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking .
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away?. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidep ressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
And last, but not least:
15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.
My Groups
-
Cute Overload Addicts Updated: Yesterday
-
Lost Updated: Sep 22, 2009
-
scenery (host) Updated: Mar 7, 2009
Neighborhood
Explore friends, family, friends & family, or entire neighborhood.
Recent Comments
-
kimmie said:
[c’est top]brilliant advice for your heat/humidity suffering friend over here!! thanks dahl! read more
on 10 Tricks For Staying Comfortable In Ungodly Heat Without Access To Air Conditioning -
Sharon said:
[this is good]Invaluable, my dear. read more
on 10 Tricks For Staying Comfortable In Ungodly Heat Without Access To Air Conditioning -
kimmie said:
congrats kimmerz! i am happy for you! i dig the telecommute schedule also! way to go to save gas money... read more
on I Got The Job!!! -
on It's Like the Goddesses Are Leaning Over To Flash A Little Cleavage